I had my first child when I was 19 years old. My partner and I were obviously not prepared to be parents, but we tackled our new roles the best way we knew how. Fast forward – five years later we decided to walk down the aisle. We knew the moment our wedding guests went home that we were going to make a baby. For six years we struggled with insecurities about our inability to conceive. Countless visits to the doctor revealed small issues, but nothing that would prevent us from conceiving.
I watched so many friends and acquaintances announce their pregnancies and post pictures of their beautiful bundles of joy. I lived vicariously through their lives and secretly wished I was them. I shared in the happiness of my friends, but cried in sadness after baby showers and births. I thought that God had forgotten about me.
There’s no greater pain than feeling like God can’t hear you. Feeling like your prayers will never be answered. Feeling like everyone around you is receiving a blessing except you. I began to pray less and cry more. I convinced myself that I didn’t want any more children. I had given up; not on God, but on the blessing that seemed as though it would never come.
After years of trying, I stopped asking God. I had a heavy heart, but a closed mouth to God about my desires. I’m sure we’ve all been in this position. Wanting to be blessed with the desires of our heart, but not willing to fully trust God with the plans for our life. I share this moment with you all because it's my testimony! Through this journey I’ve learned that God's ears are never closed to those who love Him. His timing is perfect and He truly knows the plans He has for you.
A few years ago, I stumbled upon Smokie Norful’s song “Understand.” I posted it to my Facebook and listened to it on repeat for weeks. I had never felt a song minister to me like this. It spoke directly to me! In the lyrics he says:
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Seems like my best, it just ain’t good enough
I feel like I’ve done all that I can do
Do you see, do you care, Lord
All about what I’m going through?
And then he said, one more day,
Just one more step
I’m preparing you for Myself
And when you can’t hear My voice, trust My plan
I am the Lord, I see you, and yes, I understand
No matter what we are going through, God’s empathy is ever-present. He understands how we feel, He knows our pain. But, in preparation for a blessing, you have to go through some things first. The preparation period may not feel good and it may be lonely, but it’s necessary. God wants us to be fully prepared for the desires of our heart.
In my six years of preparation, my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger, I’ve been able to share in some wonderful experiences with my oldest son, I’ve also grown in my career and was able to strengthen relationships with my family and friends. There were moments of pain, struggle, joy, regret, happiness and anger, but, all that I’ve been through and done in my season of preparation was necessary.
We may not understand, but trust, God has a plan. If you’re praying for something and it doesn’t happen right away, God is preparing your heart, your mind, your finances, your circumstance or your life. Though His plans may be unknown to us, we have to have faith in God and trust the process. God will never lead us astray.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.